Processing childhood trauma is really one of those things that we tend to avoid talking about, and only acknowledge when it comes back years later, usually at the worst possible time. Children are silent carriers of the burdens they are given.
Not every time, they have emotional trauma words or the confusing combination of grief and trauma that may follow after childhood loss. However, it is present. It lies there like an old memory with sharp sides. In fact, what can tear you apart inside is watching your child experiencing something which you are not able to fix completely, even if you are doing everything “right”.
When Childhood Trauma Isn’t Traumatic Visually
The most difficult thing about trauma in children is that it doesn’t have to be theatrically expressed to be there. It could be a sudden fear of sleeping alone in the case of a child. Or a loud and chatty child who is now quietly sitting at dinner. Or an “organic” type of tantrums that do not appear “random”. All these things might be the signs of childhood PTSD but nobody has yet recognized it.
Moreover, the grief processing of children is another topic, kids can experience the loss in such a way that adults are totally unaware of it. It is possible that a child went from playing to crying in a flash because a tiny thing reminded him of his loss. It cannot be foretold. It is not sorted. But Bright Flourishing Health memorializes the families who are witnesses to it, and it’s never straightforward, to be honest.
Dealing With the Difficult
I remember seeing children talking about death and grief as though they were describing a TV show. They used a flat tone. No real emphasis. And then after a while, breaking completely from the blue. That is loss and trauma in the real world, disorderly and unbalanced. Sometimes their need is for freedom. Sometimes they want someone to be there with them in silence. Other times they just want to have a story before sleep because they see comfort in routine.
What’s more, as grown-ups, we are under an impression that we should come up with something perfect or wise to say. But what children take in more than words is the way you say it. They take in the fact that you were there. They take in the fact that the person who didn’t even know why he was sad sat with them.
Helping Kids Untangle the Knots
One that people are most prone to forgetting is that slowly trauma processing in kids is. There are days when a child looks ok. The very next day the same child exposed all the fissures again. It is absolutely normal. Recovery is more of a spiral than a line.
This is the point where it actually matters to connect them to something like your website article on traumatic grief in children because parents really want to have a clue about what is going on, and they want to be given directions which are not of a textbook kind.
When parents uncover the routines behind the kids’ emotional shutdowns, excessive need for closeness, sudden outbursts of anger that seem unexplainable – they become aware of the roots of emotional childhood trauma. They stop holding the child responsible. Or themselves. And merely that shift can make a difference in the whole world.
Moving On, Even If It Isn’t Smooth
Perfection is not what children desire from their parents. They want honesty, instead. Ones who say “Even though I don’t fully understand, I am here”. Healing trauma is not a thing that is done by obliterating the past. It is about putting a bit of room besides it so it won’t eat them up completely.
It is the mission of Bright Flourishing Health to do so, constantly, for the families: recovery is not a beautiful thing, but nevertheless, it does take place. Slowly. Quietly. In small portions. And each little piece matters.
If you are a helper to a child who is a victim of trauma, then make a start with observing the small things. The minute wins. The more gentle mornings. The more peaceful bedtimes. All of it is accumulative.
Also, in case you run out of support, or simply want to understand this tough world of childhood sentiments that are too hard to handle, you can find more help via childhood traumatic grief, where you need it most.
